I’ve been away. In fact, I’ve been at The Queen's Pantry for a month. Read the blog about it. It’s brilliant (I have written it yet, but I'm optimistic).

So what happened in the UK election of 4th July?? Well the Tories got a spanking and Sir Keir Starmer is now the Prime Minister. I mean, it’s over a month ago, you probably know that by now. Although you have got your own thing going on right now. So after a quick round up, we might just explore the shenanigans that you’ve had to put up with….

So Labour won by a landslide. They got about 420 seats with the Tories getting just over 100. I could get precise, but you don’t care and I can’t be bothered. The British public spoke and the Tories were sent packing. Almost immediately the sun shone, rainbows appeared and all our problems were solved.

The next day, reality hit. The swamp had been drained, but so had the bank account. Sir Keir said there was a big financial hole and belts would have to be tightened. The Tories said Sir Keir hadn’t mentioned any belt-tightening before the election. Sir Keir said he didn’t know how bad it was until he got access to the bank account. The Tories had taken the lot. We’re gonna need a bigger belt, they said! Thank God we have those fantastic trade deals to look forward to due to leaving the EU 8 years ago.

And if things couldn’t get any crazier for SK, the country then blew up for a week last week, with riots across most major cities, based on misinformation about illegal immigration released on the internet by the far right. Talking of fake news and the far right, let's talk about what’s been going on for you guys over the last few weeks. Because whatever we’ve been going through, you lot always seem to go that little bit further……

So the President (the real one, the elected one, not the old one who thinks he’s still the current one) is far too old to have his finger on the button, so the ex-President formerly known as The President But Won’t Accept The Result, said that someone that old shouldn’t have his finger on the button, and so the current President, Old Man Joe The Crooked, aged 81, stepped down.

But that means that the Orange Ex-President, Crooked Donald The Bankrupt Pornstar Hush Money Build That Wall Covfefe 34-Count Felon Lying Misogynist, aged 78, has some backtracking to do. 

‘If 78 years old is too old to be President, then shoot me’, he joked. Presumably as locker room banter. So a young man grabbed his gun by the…….handle and gave it a go. He missed. Proving that if you're going to kill a President or ex-President , either get him at a theatre (very unlikely, unless it’s an adult strip show theatre) or go to Dallas and let the Mafia/CIA/American Government/lone wolf* do it).

Anyway, the pen is mightier than the sword, so get out and vote for either Orange Ex-President, Crooked Donald The Bankrupt Pornstar Hush Money Build That Wall Covfefe 34-Count Felon Lying Misogynist, aged 78, or anyone else. Even that weird Kennedy one. Or even weirder. A woman!!! Dare ya.

* It’s not the lone wolf one.