You may have noticed that The Queen's Pantry is now offering afternoon cream teas (check out the website/Facebook/Instagram), and you’re probably thinking, what in the Downton Abbey is Cream Tea? Is it the plummy-toned upper-class cousin of US rapper Ice T, who spits lyrics about riding around south central Kensington in a horse drawn carriage ? Is it a crazy-fool avoiding mohicaned actor who ain’t getting on no plane? Or is it Henry, the mild-mannered janitor? Could be? Actually, not it isn’t. But what a way to get a Hong Kong Phooey reference in!

The Cream Tea (also known as a Devon cream tea, Devonshire tea or Cornish cream tea) is an afternoon tea consisting of tea, scones, clotted cream, jam, and sometimes butter. Cream teas are sold in tea rooms throughout England, especially Devon and Cornwall. And now, Cream Teas are available in Marietta, Georgia, USA. 

Now, if you wanna be posh, and you want to be part of the British elite, then right here’s where you start pain. And sweat. You see, here in England, everyday, after we’ve sipped a gin and tonic on the veranda, served by our butler, we put our hunting outfit on, get in the Rolls and head down to a Tea Room. Now, you don’t live in the Cotswolds, or even in the UK, but fear not. We’ve brought the Cotswolds to you. So finish off your 32oz coffee, jump in your Silverado, change out of your sweatpants and head on down to The Queen's Pantry Tea Room. 

And this is just the beginning. Don't just be turning up and being all American, shoutin and hollerin and not saying please or thank you. There is etiquette to observe. And the first one is crucial. So you know you lot have some fundamental, country-dividing US arguments. The right to bear arms and kill kids in school, telling a woman what she can and can’t do to her own body, Well we have our own hot topics, and one of the main ones is, what goes on the scone first. The cream. Or the jam. And this has divided families and brought down dynasties (dinasties, not die nasties). 

So let’s settle it. Once and for all. The Devonian, or Devonshire, method is to split the scone in two, cover each half with clotted cream, and then add strawberry jam on top. The Devon method is also commonly used in neighbouring counties. With the Cornish method, the warm split or a scone; is first split in two, then spread with strawberry jam, and finally topped with a spoonful of clotted cream. So there you have it. Argument left right bang up there hanging in the air. But as they say, I say potato, you say potato, I say tomato you say tomato, potato, potato, tomato, tomato, and actually written down it looks like Im just saying tomato and potato a lot, in some sort of weird vegetable tourettes kind of way. So this joke isn’t translating. Let’s call the whole thing off. And the tomato is a fruit anyway. 

So you’ve prepared the scone. But. Don’t get complacent. The tea comes next. Your teapot is sat there, hot water and tea leaves. Now don’t just run in and spoil it. This ain’t Nam. Take your time. Let the tea steep (that is a proper posh word. If you use the word ‘steep’ instead of ‘brew’, you are practically Royalty). After approximately 4 minutes and 23 seconds, the tea is ready. Pour the milk in first. Then the tea. Pick up the teacup betwixt thumb and index finger. Raise the pinky in the air. Sip. Don’t slurp. 

So, you’ve got your tea. You’ve got your scones. I mean it’s good, but it’s not quite right. You’re still peckish. You need sandwiches. Dainty sandwiches. Quaint sandwiches. Not sandwiches so big you need a flip-top jaw. Because the next etiquette, and one that you Americans might struggle with, and go with me on this, is, you’re not supposed to fill your face. It ain’t pretty to have half a grocery store hanging out your mouth and the contents of a chilli sauce bottle down your top. So small fingers of soft, bouncy bread. Light fillings. Nothing spicy. And you don’t need the contents of Old MacDonalds farm between the slices. Eat demurely. Act courteously. Talk about the weather. Talk about Diana. And talk about horses. You’re nearly there. Now, let’s sort that accent out. Repeat after me….’the rain in Spain……’ 

Cream Teas are available at The Queen's Pantry. Call us, or drop by, or go online to book. Don’t forget your tiara.