Growing up In the UK in the 70s, Halloween wasn’t really a thing. They might have shown a horror movie on one of the three TV channels, but the closest we got to the US Halloween experience was putting a white sheet over ourselves and running blindly into furniture. The blood-curdling screams were real. And there were no sweets involved. We might bob an apple, and the prize was the apple, but who wants an apple??? Teachers pets. That’s who. 

But we knew Halloween was massive in the US, because we saw it on programmes like The Red Hand Gang, or Degrassi Junior High. And everyone made an effort with their costumes and houses, and you went around the neighbourhood and everyone gave you chocolate and candies for free and we saw that and we wanted it. 

There ain’t that much that we wanted from you, that’s why we gave it back, but free candy and great costumes is definitely up there. So is the warmer weather. And water parks. And big plates of food. And more than three TV channels. And cheerleaders. And proper dental care. And Baywatch. The original one. You can keep your guns though. 

Anyway, what’s the crack with Halloween, and why is it OK to hand out sweets to kids on 31st October, and yet when I do it, on every other day of the year, people paint nasty things on the outside of my house. So like everything, there’s a load of historical stuff about Halloween. Churches, religion, Christianity, Paganism, you know, boring history stuff. But in a nutshell….All Hallows Day was a celebration to remember all those who had passed but were yet to make it to Heaven. They were in that bit between. That dark place, scary, spooky, soulless. Devoid of atmosphere. No, not Las Vegas. Purgatory. The night before All Hallows Day was known as All Hallows Evening, which was shortened to All Hallows Eve, which was then shortened to Hallow E’en. You get the picture. Scottish, that last bit, apparently. 

Anyway, like with most things religious, it’s all about celebrating stuff with a big slap-up feast the night before. And getting drunk. There’s nothing like letting the meek know that the Earth Inheritance is just round the corner, by scoffing expensive meats and fine wines. So All Hallows Day/Eve Halloween is about spooky spirit stuff and eating chocolate and this is where the idea of giving treats to kids dressed in scary costumes is from. But don’t get them drunk. Unless you want nasty things painted on the outside of your house again. It’s Political Correctness gone mad. 

So then we’ve got Trick or Treating. This is thought to come originally from ‘soulling’, a practise in Mediaeval England, where people would go door to door offering prayers for the departed souls and in return they would get some food, generally soul bread. You see, that’s a nice, kind thing to do, innit. Maybe a bit too nice for you lot though. You lot just knock on a door and say if you don’t give me some sweets, I'm gonna trash the place (see Iraq, Afghanistan, Grenada, Korea, The Capitol Building) And unless you give them Crunchies, Flakes, Wispas, Twirls, Mars Bars, Wispa Gold, Maltesers, Milky Bar buttons, Jelly Tots, Fruit Pastilles, Dairy Milk or Lion Bars, your house gets toilet-rolled, your car gets egged and your new cute kitten** goes missing. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. 

Happy Halloween. *Crunchies, Flakes, Wispas, Twirls, Mars Bars, Wispa Gold, Maltesers, Milky Bar buttons, Jelly Tots, Fruit Pastilles, Dairy Milk and Lion Bars are all available at The Queens Pantry ** I’m going to hell. See you there.