No. Not Jeffrey Epstein. Or Harvey Weinstein. Or even worse Trump/Biden (delete as applicable). I’m talking about Pantomime, or Panto for short. Panto is a type of musical comedy stage production designed for family entertainment. It was developed in England and is performed throughout the United Kingdom, especially during the Christmas and New Year season. Modern pantomime includes songs, gags, slapstick comedy and dancing. It generally combines gender-crossing actors and topical humour with a story more or less based on a well-known fairy tale, fable or folk tale. There’s always a baddie, who we hiss and boo when he enters the stage (think Trump/Biden), the chubby camp celebrity who plays ‘The Dame’, (an over made-up drag ‘Ugly Sister’ who says risque stuff that flies over kids heads but makes drunk parents giggle), and a young cute female soap star (who will play Peter Pan or some other male hero-character that we find strangely attractive). No wonder the kids are confused.

And when the baddie turns up, we warn the hero. ‘He’s behind you’ we scream, and our hero turns, but the baddie outsmarts him by turning with him, and the hero says ‘Oh no he isn’t’, and we go mad, screaming and pointing….’oh yes he is’, apoplectic with rage that our so-called hero is thick as pig sh*t.

Yeah. This is the same country that brought you Shakespeare. And Byron. And Keats. And Led Zeppelin.

And what happens in the UK is that Z-list celebrities spend the whole of December in provincial towns wearing tight tights and generally making a tit of themselves for money. Like Dancing on Ice. With 100% less esteem. And there are hundreds of panto shows put on every Christmas. From lavish productions in large theaters, to amateur shows in village halls. It is estimated that 43% of the population will attend a panto this year. ‘Oh no they won’t’...I hear you say. You see. It’s good, innit?

Anyway, Shakespeare it ain’t, but the kids love it, and if it gets them into theaters, then it ain’t such a bad thing. Because who understands Shakespeare anyway?? Thinks he’s better than the rest of us….’ooo, but soft, what light through yonder window breaks’..... Bloody show off.

Saying that, Shakespeare is said to have added over 1700 words to the English vocabulary. And things we say today are straight off the page from his plays. Things like good riddance, wild goose chase, fair play, cruel to be kind, as pure as the driven show, eaten out of house and home, the be all and end all….the list is endless. So actually, you quote Shakespeare every single day without knowing it, you clever bugger. So, be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. But you knew that.

Anyway, back to panto….in 1978, the Alliance Theatre of Atlanta commissioned Atlanta born author Margaret Mitchell (Gone With The Wind) to write a pantomime based on the story of the nativity. However the show was cancelled because they couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Oh. No. They couldn’t.

Curtain falls.