Have you ever opened a large bar of chocolate and told yourself you’ll only have a couple of pieces, and then the room spins, lights start to flash, everything goes a bit woozy, and before you know it, you wake up on the floor, chocolate smeared across your mouth and an empty wrapper in your hand, with a cloud of shame and guilt hanging over you? 

No, me neither. But just in case you or a ‘friend’ has, help is on its way. 

To assuage the guilt of gorging on delicious, creamy, available-from-The-Queens-Pantry Cadburys chocolate, the The U.S. National Confectioners Association has come to the rescue by announcing that this Monday is National Chocolate Day. You heard. National Chocolate Day. That means on Monday 28th October, you can eat as much chocolate as you can keep down (or not), and no-one can take it from you. 

As the famous quote by raving mad choc-o-holic Charlton Heston said ‘They’ll take this chocolate from my cold, dead hands.’ You see chocolate doesn’t kill people….. So National Chocolate Day is not to be confused with International Chocolate Day. International Chocolate Day is (only) celebrated in America on 13th September, the birthday of Milton S Hershey. And on this day, Americans eat chocolate that isn’t as good as Cadburys chocolate, to remind themselves how much better Cadburys chocolate is than Hershey's (other inferior brands are available) chocolate. 

But, be careful. International Chocolate Day is not to be confused with World Chocolate Day. World Chocolate Day is celebrated around the World (that place that isn’t America ….it exists, honest) on 7th July. This is the date, in 1550, that it is believed that chocolate was introduced to Europe. 

You see in the Spring Break of that year, Christopher Columbus went on a boys holiday to South America, and he forgot to get his missus a present, so he picked up a Toblerone at the airport and the rest, as they say, is (made up) history. A word of warning. National Chocolate Day, International Chocolate Day and World Chocolate Day are not to be confused with National Milk Chocolate Day, which is celebrated on 28th July. And National Milk Chocolate Day is not to be confused with National White Chocolate Day. Although National White Chocolate Day only exists because privileged Karens were pissed off that there was a National Milk Chocolate Day. 

Funnily enough, National White Chocolate Day is followed by National Diabetes Day on 14th November. It is suggested that no chocolate is eaten on that day. And…..just to avoid any confusion whatsoever, National Chocolate Day, International Chocolate Day, World Chocolate Day, National Milk Chocolate Day and National White Chocolate Day are not to be confused with the Unofficial National International World Fill Your Face With Any Kind Of Chocolate You Can Get Your Grubby Little Mitts On Until You Chunder Day on 25th December. And just when you don’t think you can chocolate anymore, the second National Chocolate Day is on 28th December. And that is why the gyms are full on New Years Day. 

I don’t know about you, but all this mention of chocolate has made me want chocolate. Rich, delicious,creamy, smooth, available-from-The-Queens-Pantry Cadburys chocolate. I can feel the room spinning again……..