So begins the song ‘The Twelve Days Of Christmas’. And what a bangin 'tune it is. But what are the 12 Days Of Christmas? Like, properly, not the Lords-a-leaping thing, but actually, really, it’s the big Christmas question. Well, surprise surprise, The Twelve Days of Christmas, also known as the Twelve Days of Christmastide, is the festive Christian season celebrating the Nativity (the birth of Jesus).

So Day One is December 25th, Coincidentally, Christmas Day. The day that Jesus was born. Again, coincidentally on Christmas Day.

The second day is St Stephen's Day. This is when the good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. He thought there was something missing from the spread. So he ordered a pizza. Deep pan, crisp and even.

The third day, the 27th, is the Feast Of St John, or St John The Beloved. John was Jesus’s favourite. He came up with the name John The Beloved himself. Everyone else called him John The Brown Noser.

On the fourth day of Christmas, the 28th, it’s the turn of The Holy Innocents. This is a Feast to remember the massacre of all male children under the age of two, that the madman King Herod ordered. It’s a bit of a muted celebration. But at least there’s no bloody kids running around screaming and spoiling it.

Day 5, the 29th, is a bit hit and miss. The family go home, the shops are open, and the sales begin. It’s officially the Memorial of Thomas Beckett. It’s a half-arsed feast where leftovers are served and everyone has an early night.

On day 6, things start to wind up again. There’s a big do tomorrow, so energy levels are up. It’s the Feast Of The Holy Family, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I mean, they did all the hard work. They should be recognised. Although to be fair, Joseph did all the graft. Mary just sat on a donkey. And then couldn’t even be bothered to push.

New Years Eve is the 7th Day. Baby Jesus was happy this day. He had absolutely no idea what was about to happen…….

The Octave, or Eighth Day, is New Years Day. And is also the day of The Feast Of The Circumcision. This celebrates the circumcision of Jesus. I’m not too sure whether Jesus was celebrating at the time. Still, it’s no skin off my nose.

I hope you're not reading this at breakfast.

On 2 January, the Ninth Day, it’s the Forefeast of the Theophany. The Theophany is another name for the Epiphany. So this day is a feast to celebrate that there’s going to be another feast in a couple of days time. How did they get away with that one??

By the 3rd January, they’d actually run out of excuses to have a feast. There were only 2 more days to go. What with all the wine, feasting, singing and dancing, they started to make up reasons. The 10th day is celebrated as Memorial Of The Holy Name Of Jesus, which is the day he was named. It was a choice between Jesus and Jesus McJesusface.

The 11th day was a bit of a washout. Everyone was hungover and spirits couldn’t be lifted. They couldn’t even be bothered to name it properly. They came up with Epiphany Eve. Unfortunately, Epiphany Eve was one of the dancers from one of the local, ahem, nightspots. Everyone perked up a bit. Apart from the wives.

The 12th Day is the Epiphany. This is when the 3 Wise Men turned up. 12 days late. One of the kings had a light bulb moment (at the time it was called a candle moment) that if he could design a device, using the stars as a global positioning point, he’d make a load of cash, and it could bring friends and family together much more easily. Hence the name, Epiphany. Not to be confused with the teenage girl, Tiffany, who was actually looking to not be with anyone at all, except presumably her boyfriend.

And I got all that from the Bible. So it must be true.