Right, so Christmas is coming, and Christmas is brilliant, because you get presents. And Christmas is also brilliant because it is the law that you must eat everything and anything you can get your hands on, and even though you think you can’t eat another thing, magically, you always can. This is because during the month of December, the human body develops another stomach. This stomach has been packed away from the previous January, tucked away under the diaphragm, but as soon as Fairytale of New York rings out, out pops the 2^nd stomach, or chubbius maximus, and the scoffing begins.

To prepare the human body for the influx of sugar during the Festive Season, Jesus invented the Advent Calendar. (You have to read the next bit in David Attenboroughs voice….)

‘The human body, having survived a cold and wet November, now enters December with trepidation. In preparation for the drop in temperature, and to survive the dangers of distant relatives staying in the spare room, the human feasts, almost uncontrollably, on any foodstuff wrapped in packaging that has a snowman on it. And the first sign of this month-long gorge fest, is the arrival….. of the Advent Calendar’…..(cue inspirational, instrumental music and slow-motion shots of shoppers clambering over each other to grab the last few Advent Calendars from the Queens Pantry).

Jesus invented Advent, to celebrate His birth and The Second Coming. He was ever such a worrier, so to make sure people turned up to His birthday party on 25^th, December, he bribed them with Chocolate Advent Calendars. There is talk that once Jesus has returned, Advent Calendars will be replaced with ‘I Told You I Was Coming Back Calendars’. But instead of chocolate behind each door, there will just be a picture of Smug Jesus dropping the mic. And a one-way ticket to Hell for not believing Him. But, since he hasn’t come back yet, the Advent Calendar tradition has continued, and Jesus continues to rake it in.

Advent quite literally means ‘small pieces of chocolate, worth about 1 dollar, but put it behind a picture of a Snowman, or Christmas tree or something like that and we’ll double the price’, and one of it’s main functions is to keep kids quiet for 2 minutes for the first 24 mornings of December. However, the side effect of eating chocolate every morning for 24 days, is that it sets off the phenomenon of craving, and before you know it, you’re having chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You’re out of control. You start hiding chocolate. Every knows you’re eating it 24/7, but you’re in denial. There is help. Reach out.

To counter this obsession with chocolate, and to help with a balanced diet during Yuletide, 1 clever chap started a company producing Advent Calendars with pieces of fruit and vegetables behind each door. He probably had a man bun and tattoos. He’s a barista now. No-one wants vegetables and fruit around Christmas. It’s Christmas.

Another slight variation was the Jehovahs Witnesses Advent Calendar. When you open any door, there is a person stood behind it telling you to bugger off.