….funk to funky….ok, enough. This is not a blog about David Bowie. Today we are going to try and explain The Ashes Test Series, which is a 5 game series of cricket matches between England and Australia, that starts on 16th June 2023. Now, we like the Australians. Really, we do. Their beaches, their barbies, their joie de vivre. Australia is a beautiful country with beautiful people, and if you ever go to Australia, it is very difficult to leave. We Brits love all things Aussie. Except the Australian National Cricket Team. And the Australian National Rugby Team.

Cricket is a bit like baseball. There are run-outs, and caught outs, and struck (bowled) outs and trousers for a uniform. It’s weird that trousers form any part of a sports uniform. It’s like it’s a sport for people who aren’t particularly into sport. Or sporty. And with lots of breaks so the ‘athletes’ can smoke or eat something fatty.

The object of cricket is to score more runs than the other team. And I might just leave it at that, because it then starts getting a bit confusing. No. Let’s do more…..

There are 3 formats in cricket. T20, One Day and Five Day cricket. In T20 Cricket, each team bowls 120 balls at each other. One Day Cricket is 300 balls at each other, and finally, Five Day Cricket, where you just keep going for 5 days until everyone gets tired, it goes dark and we all go home. In the 5 day format, after hours of sweating and toiling, there can still be a tie. It sometimes seems like a total waste of time. Oh, and if there is a bit of rain, everyone comes off and sits inside. And in England, it rains a lot, so sometimes you can be sat inside for days at a time. And people still turn up to watch (drink).

Cricket is a posh boys and girls sport. It is played in private schools by people called Tarquin or Tabitha. Halfway through the day, the game stops and everyone has lunch. Cucumber sandwiches, pork pies, that type of thing. A couple of hours after lunch, they stop again and have a 20 minute tea break. Cricket is a sport.

Everyone that attends cricket matches goes for the sole intention to get drunk. Play starts at 10.30 everyday, and it is acceptable, nay, almost compulsory, to start drinking at that time. A lot of champagne is drunk, and the posh boys spend the day trying to de-bag each other (a posh ritual of removing someone’s trousers against their will).

Players from both teams wear white trousers and white jumpers. It’s hard to distinguish who’s who. Especially when you’ve been on the piss all day.

Back to The Ashes. Every 2 years England plays Australia in a best of 5 series. And the winner of the series wins The Ashes. The trophy is a small urn that has the burnt ashes of a bail (a piece of wood that sits on top of the stumps….I know, gibberish, right) that was first awarded in 1908. England have been playing cricket against Australia since 1887. It was fun and friendly at the time, but the Aussies became competitive and took the fun out of it. They kept winning, and the British press wrote an obituary for English cricket. The obituary stated that English cricket had died, and "the body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia”. Well, stiff upper lip, the Posh Boys didn’t like that, and the following year they went to Australia and bloody well reclaimed those ‘ashes’. Bravo!

In the years since, Australia have been pretty good. That’s because they have great weather so they can practise a lot. In England, because of the rain, our players are pretty good at sitting around and eating sandwiches and chocolate. A lot. So Australia have won the Ashes loads of times. Fortunately, because of global warming, England has had some pretty good summers in recent years, and our cricket has improved. To the point where we might actually be favourites to win The Ashes this year. So. If you hate the Aussies, keep burning those tyres and dumping plastic in the ground.

The Ashes starts, with the First Five Day Test, on Friday 16th June. Buy crisps and chocolate from The Queen's Pantry to keep those energy levels up. And don’t forget. The Queen hated the Australian National Cricket Team too.