A look back in History!

…..so following on from our previous blog about Henry VIII, we thought we’d give you an insight into one of Britain's Greatest Prime Ministers, Boris Johnson. A note of warning though. Politics can be very divisive, and some subjects can be very controversial, and here at The Queen's Pantry, we like to take a neutral stance, so any views expressed in this article are completely those of the mysterious and handsome blogger who shall remain anonymous (his name is Mark and he’s my brother!). And, as a tribute to this wonderfully honest and moral man (Boris, not Mark), there will be some truths. But mainly, there will be some outrageous lies in this blog*. Supporters of Boris Johnson will not be able to spot them. For a bit of fun, why not try to work out which is which. If you are struggling, ask an adult.

Boris Johnson was born Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson on June 19th 1964 on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. That’s right. It’s your fault. Two months later the family moved back to the UK. There wasn’t enough room for 2 clowns in New York City so they settled in Oxford where Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s mother was studying. After two years the family moved back to the US where Stanley, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s father, got a job with a Policy Panel on Population Control in Washington. He went on to father another 3 children.

In 1969, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson moved back to the UK, where they settled in the family home of West Nethercote Farm where Alexander Boris de Pfeffel first experienced fox-hunting (the ‘sport’ of chasing a terrified fox with hounds and horses through the countryside and tearing it to pieces when it gets exhausted). In later years, when he became a Conservative politician, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel would vote against banning fox-hunting and encourage hunters to continue with the practise despite it being illegal. He said that he enjoyed fox-hunting in a ‘semi-sexual’ way. Surprisingly, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel is not a virgin.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel excelled at school. He didn’t have many friends though. In 1977, he went to Eton College, the poshest school in the world. It was here that he cultivated his ‘eccentric English persona’ for which he became famous. He then went on to study Classics at Oxford University, and joined the exclusive Bullingdon Club (see picture). It was a diners club for posh, wealthy boys who had daddy issues and no friends. They got drunk and trashed bars and ran away. Former Prime Minister David Cameron is also in the picture. As part of an initiation ceremony, it has been alleged that he ‘made the acquaintance’ of a pig's head. ‘Piggate’ they called it.. Surprisingly, David Cameron is also not a virgin.

So Alexander Boris de Pfeffel left Oxford with an Upper Second-Class Degree (given to lazy students who didn’t do any work but had rich daddies). In 1987 he went to work at The Times Newspaper, but was sacked for lying. The Telegraph offered him a job. Lies were their thing. He spent the next 4 years lying to his readership, especially about European laws. He wrote articles such as the EU wanting to ban prawn cocktail crisps and British sausages, and to standardise condom sizes because Italians had smaller penises. He wrote that Brussels had recruited sniffers to ensure that Euro-manure smells the same, and that the Eurocrats were about to dictate the acceptable curve of bananas and the limits on the power of vacuum cleaners, and to order women to return their old sex toys. He has called gay men ‘’bumboys’, Muslim women ‘letterboxes’ and African men 'piccaninnies with watermelon smiles’.

So much controversy. So many lies. Married several times. 7 children, 1 illegitimately. Continual affairs. Bumbling. A joker. A manchild. Unable to take responsibility for any of his actions. But British. Through and through. Good old boy. Stiff upper lip. If you don’t like it, you can leave. Women in the kitchen. Lovable rogue. Locker-room talk kinda chap. Bloody good bloke. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. A man of the people.

Well, when the Conservative Party heard about this guy, they made him leader. They put him in a suit, gave him some Union Jack flags to wave and convinced old people who couldn’t use the internet to find out facts for themselves that the UK was being overrun by immigrants, Muslims and liberals (sound familiar???). Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson became Prime Minister, Britain left the EU, and has now become the Greatest Country in the World (apart from America of course).

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was ousted as Prime Minister for lying about partying whilst the country was in lockdown during Covid.

*This was a trick. Everything is true.

UPDATED NEWSFLASH

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has resigned!!!!

Here’s what happened. A few years ago, there was this thing called Covid. Depending

on whether you were able to read and have critical thought, it was either a thing or it

wasn’t. Those that thought it wasn’t real thought it could be cured by drinking bleach.

Those that thought it was real put their trust in doctors and medical researchers who’d

spent their lives studying and practising that kind of thing. Then there were others who

did or didn’t believe in anything except looking out for themselves and that person

became Prime Minister.

So this covid thing, real or not, shut down the world. We weren’t allowed to hang out

with friends, see ill relatives, or go to their funerals. We had to wear masks, not go on

holidays. There were food and toilet roll shortages (which actually wasn’t so bad. No

food means less toilet roll usage). Come on. You must remember it. Anyway, whilst we

were adhering to these rules, the fella who made them was breaking them. Every day.

And, you know, eventually, the truth will out. In the age of mobile phones with great

cameras, and the internet, you can’t really get away with anything and Alexander Boris

de Pfeffel Johnson has been caught with his pants down and his Champagne glass full.

So he got booted out of office by his own party (The Conservatives…ironically, not so

Conservative when dishing out the public’s money to their corrupt mates).

So an enquiry was set up, and all the evidence looked at. Memos, text messages,

emails….all that stuff leaves a trail, and no matter how many times you delete stuff,

everything is retrievable (see Gary Glitter). It appears that Alexander Boris de Pfeffel

Johnson has been a very naughty boy. He lied to the Queen, lied to Parliament. oversaw

the disaster known as Brexit, he had numerous affairs, including cheating on his

pregnant wife, he misappropriated billions of pounds of public money and syphoned it

off to his mates, leaving the NHS and schools seriously underfunded, and then he

partied whilst we buried our loved ones alone.

Still at least he didn’t take Top Secret Nuclear Classified documents and hide them in

his bathroom.