Hello Glastonbury….. I seem to have left an important part of my brain somewhere……..somewhere….in a field in Somerset. This week sees the 40th Glastonbury Music and Arts Festival take place. 

The first ‘Glasto’ took place at Worthy Farm in Somerset in 1970, and has become an important cultural event in the British calendar, and probably the best music festival of them all. Woodstock was pretty cool, but that was ruined in 1999, when the organisers thought it would be a good idea to have Limp Bizkit headline. On that day, all credibility as a renowned festival went out the window. 

Glasto began as a blues festival, set up by farmer Michael Eavis, after he saw Led Zeppelin appear at The Bath Showground earlier that year. Michael was a bit of a hippy dairy farmer, big bushy beard and gentle smile. The entry fee was £1. 1500 people turned up and David Bowie was the headliner. This week, the entry for the 5 day festival is £340. The headliners include Guns N Roses and Elton John. 210,000 people will attend. Glasto is set in over 900 acres of farmland. It is a mile and a half across, with a perimeter of 8 and a half miles. 

It’s a pretty big place. Stoned hippies are known to still be wandering around, dazed and confused, lost from the 70’s festivals. There are over 4,000 toilets. With 210,000 people attending, that means each toilet will be used by 52.5 people. For 5 days. And these people have been drinking heavily, probably taking drugs, and definitely eating festival food. The people who clean the toilets are given Knighthoods in the New Years Honours list. The slurry removed from those toilets is dumped into the English channel. The waste ends up in Wales. Hence, Wales. 

2,000 people volunteer to work at Glastonbury. They are given a free ticket, food and travel, and the wages they would have earnt are paid to charities. Most of the profits made are given to charities. In 2017, £2.35 million was given to Glastonburys 3 main charities; Oxfam, Greenpeace and Water Aid. And we thought hippies were a bad influence. 

As you would expect from a bunch of smelly hippies, Glasto is eco-friendly. Attendees use 10 times less water than they would at home due to the lack of showers on site. This saves nearly 130 million litres of water and more than 100 tonnes of carbon emissions. So that’s 210,000 people. 5 days of eating crap, getting drunk and high, and not showering. And sharing a toilet with 52.5 people every day. In a space just a bit bigger than Central Park. Unsurprisingly, condom sales are zero. 

What starts off as an exciting adventure turns into a gruelling challenge. Exhaustion. Hunger. Disease. Lack of sleep. Annoying hippies. Navy Seals send their recruits to Glastonbury for endurance training. Asked about the experience, one survivor exclaimed ‘ you don’t know man. You’ll never know. You weren’t there’. He received a Purple Heart. And dysentery. So if you’re heading to Glastonbury this year (you’re not, are you) here’s some tips…. 1. Don’t. It’s on the TV.

The BBC actually have brilliant coverage of almost every act that plays. You can watch it from the comfort of your own toilet. 2. If you really do have to go, take baby wipes. It’s better than wiping your bum with empty crisp packets. Also take deodorant, or ‘shower in a can’ as seasoned pros call it. 3. Don’t become attached to your tent. It might have been fun and exciting when you put it up 5 days ago, but with a hangover and exhaustion, it’s akin to an Ikea flatpack. In reverse. Leave it. The hippies will clear it up. Or move in. 4. Bring wellies. You will get wet and muddy. You’ll probably get trench foot. It’s like being in the Somme. Except the food was better in World War 1. 5. But seriously….don’t go. You’re not 18 any more. The drugs aren’t as good as they used to be and the beer tastes like p*ss. If you really want to live like a caveman, spend the weekend in Kennesaw. 

Love, Peace and Harmony.