It only seems like yesterday that the Declaration of Independence was ratified by the Second Continental Congress, but can you believe it's been 246 years already!! Where has the time gone? So much has happened in that time. America has gone from a lawless, violent country, where women had no rights, and the natives were roughly treated to …….oh. Still, progress, not perfection hey.

Us Brits tend to view America in a similar way that a man views an ex-girlfriend. Like, ‘I love you, it’s me not you, you deserve better, good luck’ and then find she’s dumped all your tea in the harbour and you vow never to go back, but she’s exciting, and even though she treats you bad, you keep going back because the foods great and the waterparks are awesome.

Independence Day is generally celebrated with huge firework displays, parades, parties, sporting events and orgies. But after 245 years of that, things were starting to get a bit predictable, so to shake things up a bit, in 2021, the then President, the charismatic and completely stable ‘45’ (based on his iQ), thought that the best way to celebrate the burning down of The White House was to try it again. After it was pointed out that he lived there, he thought that he best turn his attention to The Capitol, because it was nearby, it looked like The White House and many patriots (other completely stable people who wore t shirts from Walmart) could recognise it from the Mars Attacks film (a film where a seemingly friendly strange-looking crazy being starts to blow s**t up).

He’d originally planned it for July 4th, 2020, but by the time the patriots had worked out how to get from the White House to the Capitol building, a 1.9km journey straight down Pennsylvania Avenue, it was 6th January 2021. On the way, they discussed the best way to celebrate, and it was decided that it would be pretty wild to wear a buffalo on your head, paint your face red, white and blue, and go to jail for 41 months.

Needless to say, it didn’t catch on. People went back to fireworks, parties and eating. The orgies stopped. Apparently, that's how the patriots were created.

But that’s just a completely made-up story. In reality, America threw off the shackles of the unjust, unfair and tyrannical British rule and became the Greatest Country In The World.

The Brits returned to treating the rest of the world unfairly, neglecting dental hygiene and electing a clown to run the country. ‘55’ as he was known (based on the amount of children he has fathered), seeing how Great America Was Again, thought that he would create his own Independence Day, and convinced the British patriots (pensioners who wear beige) to separate from the Iron Fist of European Law. He wanted to put the Great back into Great Britain, to create Great Great Britain, and engineered the smoothest, calmest break-up since Heard v Depp.

Britain celebrated its own Independence Day (Brexit) on 23rd June 2016 and every year since, the people of the UK have partied by paying higher taxes, higher fuel prices and standing in 4 hour queues at European airports.

Anyway, cheer up. You got a day off. Eat chocolate!