So we were thinking, we’d better get a funny one in now before we might have to write a more serious one soon. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, your Majesty, King Charles III. You know, it's taken some getting used to calling him King Charles, because for most of us, for most of our lives, he’s always been Prince Charles. And he’s waited like, ages to become King, and now that he is, just over a year in, well…

Charles was the longest heir apparent. He had to wait 50 years for the Queen to croak it. Still. You know us Brits. We love to queue.

Charles was born Charles Phillip Arthur George, in the house of Windsor on 14th November 1948. He was named probably after his father, his fathers father, his fathers fathers father and his fathers fathers fathers father. It may even go farther back than that. His mum, Elizabeth, wasn’t Queen when Charles was born. I know. Who has children before they’ve even put a crown on their head? Scandalous. 

He is the 1st of 4 children, with Anne, er,,,,that one, and Edward. Having been born just after the end of World War II, and with 4 children in tow, times were hard for the Windsors. They lived in a council house in London, with only 775 rooms. Whilst his parents were at work, Charles was left to wander the long, cold corridors of the great palace. Danger lurked around every corner. There might be a butler, armed with gold-plated cutlery, or a buxom nanny, ready to feed him.

Charles was a bit of a loner. His sister Anne was into ponies, and his brother Andrew was only interested in hanging out with his younger brother's friends. He went to Gordonstoun School, as his father did, but Charles didn’t like school. He was constantly bullied. Which is weird, cos he was going to be King one day, and would be able to put you in the Tower of London or have your head cut off. Still. Entitled posh kids ain’t that clever. What they lacked in parental love, humility and compassion they made up for in stupidness.

After school, Charles went to Cambridge University, where he studied History, Archeology and Anthropology. So the study of old stuff and people’s weird behaviour. He could have just stayed at home and watched his family. Anyway, he obviously didn’t have to take an Entry Exam, and he did graduate with a 2:2. That’s sort of the lowest grade. But, don’t worry. He’ll get by.

As with most Royals, Charles joined the military after University. He learnt to fly, and spent 10 months of active service in the Navy commanding the coastal minehunter HMS Bronington. He did parachute training and flew helicopters. Of all his military training, he missed flying helicopters the most, and whilst at sea, was overheard saying that he couldn’t wait to ‘get back to the chopper’. It is said that this was the inspiration for the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger quote (you’re now doing it, aren’t you).

So, enough chit chat. Let’s get to the ladies. You would have thought that Prince Charles Phillip Arthur George Windsor, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland would have no problem with the ladies. Money, titles (I nearly misread that), big houses, hard as nails. Future King.. Will be King. A real catch. Swipe right! He may have got his mother’s titles (again, almost misread, and now a different image!!), but unfortunately, he got his father’s looks. Women weren’t necessarily put off by his looks though. Wives of Princes and Kings, in British history especially, generally got their heads cut off, and if Charles great-great-great-great-great-great-great -great …..let me get my breath back…..great-great-great-great grandfather were anything to go by, there would be a good chance of requiring 1 torso-sized coffin and 1 much smaller one. In Henry VIII’s days, before main stream media, the King would just cut your head off. Today, they just besmirch your character or get an absent father to tell a pack of lies to tabloid rags.

So with family history and genetics against him, somehow Charles managed to bag Diana, the Queen of Our Hearts. She was 21 at the time, and just happened to be photographed sat next to him once, at a party, and the press had a field day. Before she knew it, she was Princess and mother, and looking forward to a romantic trip to Paris.

Well, as looks would have it, Charles was having an affair with Camilla, who seemed just about right on his level. He was neither punching up nor down, but by the looks of her, punching straight in the face. Charles wed Camilla, and pictures of the happy couple were placed on hearths and mantelpieces up and down the country to keep kids away from the fire.

So there you go. In a nutshell. King Charles III.

Long may he reign over us.

(reads newspaper…….)

…..errr…..God Save Our King