St George is the Patron Saint of England and he is celebrated every year in England on 23rd April.

On that day, beer-bellied men wear the red cross of St George and get drunk. Because that’s what being English is all about. Also, the red of the flag matches the red of their faces. 

This is how a typical St Georges Day pans out….. 

9am – Come to, after a particularly heavy night the night before. You must be wearing the same clothes as the night before, but with remnants of a midnight kebab decorating the front of your shirt. 

10am – After finishing the remnants of last nights kebab, it’s time to head down to the local ‘greasy spoon’ * for the official breakfast. Todays outfit must be chosen carefully. England football shirt. Khaki shorts. Adidas trainers. White curly wig with a red cross on it, especially for the bald ones (available at supermarkets during this week only). 

Breakfast must be swimming in grease and come with a heart attack warning. Breakfast to consist of: 

2 x eggs (fried) 

2 x sausages (fried) 

2 x rashers of bacon (fried) Mushrooms (fried – in butter) 

Tomatoes (halved and fried) 

Bread (fried to the point where it can only be identified by its dental records) 

Beans (not fried – the only healthy part of the breakfast) Breakfast to be washed down with 1 pint of Stella Artois (a Belgian beer, irony is totally lost on Neanderthal breakfast man). 

11.30 – 23.30 Pub. 

Reminiscing about the good ole days, when England ruled the world and the waves, and you could say anything you like and no-one got offended. Sudden outbursts of God Save The Queen in the company of aging old men with tattoos and tears in their eyes. Phrases like ‘it wouldn’t happen in my day’, ‘if Maggie (Thatcher) was alive today she’d be turning in her grave’ and ‘if it wasn’t for us they’d be speaking German’ are all acceptable on this day. 

Pub lunch to be taken at 13.00. Again, fried, if possible, to soak up large quantities of partaken alcohol. Lunch to consist of: 

2 x sausages (fried) 

2 x eggs (fried) 

2 x chips (fries – fried) Washed down with a pint of Carling (none of that foreign rubbish)** 

23.30 To celebrate the actual place of St Georges birth (Istanbul), a large kebab is consumed. Well half is consumed. The other half is dropped on the route home. A trail of lettuce and questionable meat is left in the wake. 

00.00 Bed. Alone. 

It should be noted that not everyone celebrates St Georges Day this way. Some people go to work, eat normally, don’t drink and have an early night. 

Remember. No great story starts ‘ so this one time, I ate a salad….’ 

*A greasy spoon in a British ‘restaurant’ that specialises in dirty plates, unhygienic kitchen and a chef that smokes over the food whilst cooking. 

** Actually originally from Canada