Sorry, I’ve been on holiday (vacation… or vacay if you’ve not quite matured) and it appears the Women’s Football World Cup has begun. It’s in the first week, so there’s still plenty of time to get involved. And it’s a football tournament that the Americans will probably win. And unlike all your other ‘World’ competitions, this one actually involves other countries that are also in the world.

This year's Women's World Cup (WWC) is being held in Australia and New Zealand, so check the times, because it’s either on very early in the morning or very late at night. Or in the afternoon. Or the evening. It really depends on where you live and to be honest, I can’t be bothered to look at time zones and schedules, so if you do want to watch it, you’re gonna have to put some effort in.

Apparently, women have been playing football for ages. U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby have had the best team for years. They’re almost superstars. To the point where they want equal pay!!! Trump would be turning in his grave, if Lee Harvey Oswald hadn’t been gunned down by the FBI as well.

The first WWC was held in China in 1991. U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby won. They beat Norway 2-1 in the final. Norway avenged their defeat in 1995, not by beating U S A, U S A Number 1 Baby, but by beating Germany, thereby doing everyone a favour.

U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby hosted the 3rd World Cup, and beat China in the final on penalty kicks. The endearing image of that World Cup was U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby’s defender Brandi Chastain’s victory celebration after she scored the winning penalty. 90,000 people in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena watched Brandi remove her jersey and swing it over her head in jubilation. 2.1 million have since watched it on YouTube.

U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby have won the World Cup 4 times. Germany twice, and Norway and Japan once each. U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby have won the last 2 WWC’s, and will go for an unprecedented 3rd time in a row this year. The most famous American player is probably Megan Rapinoe. You may have seen her a lot on TV recently. She has blue hair and is very opinionated. Especially when it comes to equality and female rights. She makes middle America very angry. Which is another World sport that America is the best at.

The women’s game has gone from strength to strength over the years, thanks to stars like Megan Rapinoe, Abby Wambach and Lucy Bronze. Another big factor is that the women's game is a lot more honest, with less playacting and gamesmanship. Also, they’ve come up with some really cool names for their teams. The Australians are known as The Matildas. The Jamaicans are the Reggae Girlz. The English are The Lionesses. Pretty cool names. But then some of them take it a bit too seriously. The Germans are known as Die Nationalef, meaning ‘The National Eleven’. German. Efficient. Boring. The Japanese are known as ‘Nadeshiko’, meaning ‘Ideal Japanese Woman’. They’ve got a point. The Swedes are known as ‘The Blue and Yellow’, after the Ikea colours. U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby are one of the very few teams that do not have a nickname. They are referred to as USWNT (US Women's National Team). Which is almost an anagram of the word ‘twunt’, and English expression, which officially means ‘an extremely objectionable person’ but has a completely different meaning in the Urban Dictionary. But my favourite nickname belongs to the South Korean women. They are known as ‘Taegeuk Nangja’ or ‘Taeguk Ladies’. Taeguk represents the origin of everything in the Universe, holding the two principles of yin and yang. Whoooaa. Deep, man. By the time the opposition have got their heads around that, they’re 2-0 down. For that alone, South Korea deserve to win the competition.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the spectacle of the Women's World Cup. It’s on for another three weeks. There is a chance that U S A, U S A, Number 1 Baby could play England in the final. Lines will be drawn. Tea will be spilled. We’ll burn the White House down. Again. ‘You see, some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.’

C’mon The Lionesses. I wanna hear you rooooaaaarrrrr.