Riddle me this….

What cries like a baby in a cradle all night? What swings, what jives, what shakes all over like a jellyfish? What gives you a hot and cold fever, and leaves you in a cool, cool sweat?

Be cool. Relax. Get hip. It’s just a crazy little thing called LOVE.

‘Love comforteth like sunshine after rain’ said Billy Shakespeare in Venus and Adonis. What a smoothie he was. He certainly knew how to woo the ladies. Apparently, he had to fight them off with a ‘stick covereth in man’s dejection’.

Now, the greatest feeling in the world is love. And every year, on 14th February, we celebrate that love by rushing out to the gas station and buying flowers and chocolates for our loved ones at the last minute. But who is Valentine, and what’s the story?

St Valentines is the Patron Saint of chocolate and edible underwear. He was a catholic priest in Rome during the reign of Claudius XI, in the 3rd century. At the time, Roman soldiers weren’t allowed to get married, even to women. Valentine felt so strongly that love should be recognised, that he went against the Catholic church's stance at the time,and performed the ceremonies secretly. When Claudius found out he sentenced Valentine to death. It was said that Claudius was a bit sensitive and had a tendency to overreact. It was because of this overreaction that lessons were learned in dealing with contentious issues, and today the whole affair would have just been swept under the carpet. Job done.

Anyway, whilst in prison, awaiting execution, Valentine befriended the jailer, who informed him that his daughter was blind. Well guess what? Valentine restored her sight. There’s not much detail about how, but he was a Saint, and God performs miracles, and love is blind, and it was on the internet so it must be true. Well, the jailer was over the moon, obvs, and owed Valentine a huge debt. Valentine asked him to smuggle a phone in for him, so he could post photos of his prison food and tell everyone how great he was. However on the 14th February, Valentine had his head chopped off, and since that day no soldier has ever got married #thedeathpenaltyworks.

In the 5th century, with the rise of Instagram, the stories of Valentines heroics spread like wildfire. ‘Legend’ said one user, Huge Appendus LXIX, and he set up a petition to get Valentines actions officially recognised. This appeal caught the eye of two other Saints, Saint Hallmark and Saint Nestle. Saint Hallmark was the Patron Saint of frothy, soppy greeting cards, and Saint Nestle was the Patron Saint of underpaying farmworkers for cocoa beans. They put their heads together and came up with Saint Valentines Day, and made a shed load of money off people who were unable to express their gratitude and love for their partners on the other 364 days of the year.

This year, Valentines Day is 2 days after Super Bowl 57 (question…will I understand Super Bowl 57 if I haven’t seen the other 56??). Don’t leave it till the last minute to get that special someone that special something. If you wanna know what love is, and you want me to show you, head down to The Queens Pantry and see our wonderful selection of Valentine gifts. Edible underwear is not available. We still have taste!