Anyone for tennis??

The Brits are awful at tennis, yet we hold the most prestigious and oldest tennis competition every year at Wimbledon. Since it started, in 1887,a Brit has won it like twice. Virginia Wade in 1977, and Andy Murray in 2013. We got so desperate at one point that we made Greg Rusedski, the Canadian, British and he still lost. He was actually pretty good when he was still Canadian. We also had a fella called Tim Henman. He won a game once and we went crazy. He was a bit of a drip to be honest, so when he did actually make it to the semi-final against Australian Lleyton Hewitt, we all cheered on the Aussie.

Oh, Fred Perry won it 3 times in like the 1930’s, but that was when they wore trousers, so that doesn’t really count. It feels like they just dragged him out the crowd. He’s more famous anyway for designing a polo shirt worn by aging football hooligans.

Every summer we get all excited. Not that we might have a Brit win it, but that there might be some nice weather. I mean, who’s idea was it to have an outdoor tennis tournament, on grass, in England during the summer? It’s going to rain, and the TV highlights are going to be torrential downpours, people huddled under large umbrellas pretending to be having fun, and black and white reruns of the trouser guy.

The Women's tournament will be won by an unknown 15 year old, originally from somewhere like Uzbekistan, who got paid to go to college in the US and is now American. She’ll quit the week after and retire to Miami. It’s safe there now that Epstein got taken care of by The Royal Family.

The Men's tournament will be won by Novak Djokovic.

Here’s something interesting about Wimbledon (I surprised myself with that sentence).....Wimbledon is the largest single annual sporting catering operation carried out in Europe. Probably nowhere near what’s eaten at a weekend NASCAR event. And Wimbledon lasts for 2 weeks. Here’s some figures of what is consumed at each tournament….

19,000 portions of Fish and Chips. There are no figures for how much salad is eaten.

29,000 bottles of Champagne. To enjoy tennis, one must be quite tipsy. Then it’s all such a hoot.

280,000 glasses of Pimms. The slogan ‘It’s Pimms o'clock' was coined in 2003. It sort of justifies 10am drinking.

3.8 tonnes of strawberries. Covered in cream. I am beginning to feel sick…..

During Wimbledon fortnight, the tennis courts in the UK are full. Everyone fancies themselves as a bit of a McEnroe, or a Navratilova. I mean, hitting a tennis ball back over a net, how hard could it be? After an hour of arguing about who has to fetch the balls that have been smashed out of the court, the Pimms is discarded, and we go back to drinking cans of Stella and swearing at pigeons.

This year, Wimbledon fortnight runs from Monday July 3rd to Sunday July 16th. As the saying goes….. Buy Pimms. Get drunk. Throw up in the garden.