‘I’m Henry the Eighth I am I am’, sang Patrick Swayze in Ghost in 1990, but for the historians among you, that isn’t factually true. Patrick Swayze isn’t Henry the Eighth (or Henry VIII as his friends called him), and even though both Patrick and Henry both had the times of their lives, it’s time to get to know the real Henry.

As Kings go, Henry VIII is definitely up there with the baddest. From being described as ‘the father of the Royal Navy’,(BBC News, 1534) to ‘a serial shagger who couldn’t keep it in his pants’ (Fox News, 1547), Henry led a very colourful life. He had six wives, countless mistresses, set up his own church, loved hunting and jousting, beheaded enemies and wives, became King at the age of 17, picked fights with Scotland, France, Spain and Italy, pissed off the Pope and the Catholic Church and died at the age of 55. And you thought Trump was bad (at least Henry had the decency to die though).

Henry’s first wife was Catherine of Aragon. They married in 1509, just seven weeks after he became King. ‘What first attracted you to the young, virile, just-became-King-so-had-a-shedload-of-cash Henry’, Catherine was asked during her Netflix Special. She was previously married to his brother, Arthur, who was supposed to have been King but he died of Sweating Sickness in April 1502. Catherine only bore Henry a girl, Mary, in 1516…..hang on… Sweating Sickness??? What the….?? Sweating Sickness didn’t only affect clergymen, but royalty too (see Prince Andrew). It was a virus that caused sweats and death within hours. It was only around for a couple of years, and disappeared as quickly as it arrived. Apparently you could cure it by drinking bleach. Anyway, Catherine gave birth to a girl, Henry wanted a boy, so she was kicked to the kerb. He’d also been having a bit of an affair with Elizabeth Blount, one of Catherine’s Ladies-In-Waiting, who gave birth to an illegitimate son, Henry Fitzroy. It is said that British singer songwriter James Blunt is related to Elizabeth Blount and Henry VIII. Makes sense really. When Henry heard ‘Goodbye My Lover’, he took it as a life hack.

Henrys next wife was Anne Boleyn. Anne’s sister Mary had actually had an affair with Henry in 1520, but Henry fancied Anne too. Anne didn’t just want to be a bit on the side and she came up with the phrase ‘if you like it then you gotta put a ring on it’. Well Henry had already put a ring on Catherines finger, and the Pope wasn’t going to let him marry a 16 year old. That type of stuff was frowned upon in the Catholic Church (at the time). But Henry was having none of it. He formed his own church, the Church of England, and made his own rules. He was the King and he could do what he wanted. The Pope kicked him out of the Catholic Church, Henry married Anne in 1533, and they lived happily ever after. Hang on. She had a girl too, Elizabeth, in 1533 and Henry had her beheaded in 1536 because she couldn’t grow a boy one.

Absolutely distraught with the loss of his young wife whom he executed, Henry found comfort in the arms of Jane Seymour, another of Catherine's Ladies-In-Waiting. They married days after Annes beheading, and she gave birth to Edward VI in 1537. Henry was overjoyed to at last have an heir to the throne. However, Jane passed away only weeks after the birth due to complications.

Henry spent the next 2 years as a bachelor, being avoided by any woman that came anywhere near him. Then it was suggested that he seek a European alliance, to make the country stronger and the two German sisters of the Duke of Cleves were suggested. Henry hadn’t disappointed a woman for a couple of years, so he swiped left on Anne of Cleves profile and they got a match. However, when Anne turned up, Henry realised he’d been catfished. She looked nothing like her portrait, all sucked-in-cheeks and black-and-white filtered. But arrangements had been made so the union was cemented in 1540. Six months later he paid her off and she went to live in the countryside to count her money and changed her name to Stormy.

Having learnt his lesson, the now obese Henry fell for 17 year-old Lady-in-Waiting Catherine Howard. He showered her with lavish gifts and money, and they married in 1540. He was so obese that he could only walk using mechanical devices, and Catherine started to look elsewhere. Henry found out and chopped her head in 1542. I mean, you know, he had previous Catherine.

And then finally, he met his match. Catherine Parr was an educated and spirited widow, with an interest in religion and politics. She advocated women's rights, and was a great influence on the household, and unlike previous wives, had a good head on her shoulders. Catherine outlived Henry (he lasted 5 more years before he exploded), and she ran off and married Thomas Seymour, who was a TikTokker or rapper or something.

So a very brief history lesson about a chauvinistic, manipulative, sexist, unaccountable power-hungry man baby who had many affairs and fathered illegitimate children. Thank God we’ve learnt from our mistakes.